Little Clouds

First published on a friends blog several years ago. Decided to share it again. 

Father’s Day 2010 was quickly approaching.  At the last minute my sister, brother, husband and I decided it would be great to take my parents to the beach for the weekend.  The weather was perfect, hotel beautiful with ocean front rooms and we were all together, including my sister’s kids and my baby boy.  We just hung out and enjoyed each others company, savoring every moment and laughing as much as we could.

Sunday, Father’s Day, dawned bright and beautiful.  I had to be up to see the sunrise and photograph it in all it’s glory.  After all, how often do you get a chance to sit on a balcony in your pj’s and watch the sunrise on the ocean?  It was glorious!  Dolphins frolicked, seagulls soared and dipped catching their early breakfast, a shark or two made an alarming appearance, and a few early risers roamed the beach basking in the beauty with me.  There was one problem, I couldn’t see the sun.  Clouds hung in a low curtain blocking the sun that I knew was peeping over the horizon.  The rest of the sky was gorgeous but the clouds refused to move and give me full satisfaction.  I was disappointed, but oh well, it was still pretty, right?

Later that day as we lingered before we had to head out Mom mentioned that she and Dad had also sat on their balcony and watched the sunrise.  A slow anger started to build inside me.  At first it was a cry of “It’s not fair!”   Over the next few weeks it grew into “How could You! Don’t You care at all! Are you even there?! Why not this one last time?!”   You see, that February my Dad had surgery and they found an aggressive cancer that had quickly taken over him, the week before Father’s Day my Dad was told he only had a very little time left with us.

One week after my Dad saw his last sunrise God called him home.  I didn’t question God’s goodness or sovereignty over taking Dad.  I knew He had plans and could see the big picture I could not.  When it came to that little cloud though, I was outraged.  How could a God who loves us, cares about us and the day to day matters of our lives not do something as simple as removing a tiny cloud so that a dying man could sit with his wife and see the most beautiful sunrise possible?!  A cloud far off on the horizon would be a simple enough thing to shove aside if God really cared.  Over the next few weeks I was so upset by this that I couldn’t even talk to God.  When I heard all the verses people would quote about His love, mercy, care, etc., the cloud would come to mind and I would think “Really? Then why not do something as simple as move a cloud?!”

A month or so later I was sitting in a Dairy Queen drive through, my mind blank and feeling low.  While waiting in line I heard His still, small voice say, “So he could watch.”  Suddenly my mind was flooded with images from that weekend.  Dad staying in his room most the time due to the pain and heat.  Dad constantly walking over to the curtains, peering out, then closing them because it was too bright.  Waiting until evening to go down to the deck and look at the beach because the sun was behind the buildings.  The light hurt his eyes.  He had avoided it all weekend.  God so wonderfully and mercifully gave me the understanding that I so desperately needed and didn’t think I would ever get.  The cloud was for Dad.  It was there so he and his bride of 34 years could watch the sunrise one last time.  To block the brightness that would have sent him inside.  God cared enough to hang that curtain there and then when I railed against him like a child, to gently show me His goodness after all. 

There are many little clouds in life. We come up against them regularly.  They seem like insignificant things that God could have prevented or done to make life go the way we think it should.  They may be bigger things that we beg God to do or remove.  Usually we don’t know the “whys” we just have to keep on trusting that His ways are best.  Sometimes He shows us why and it can, from then on, serve as a reminder that no matter what, in whatever the circumstance, He does care and He is good.

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.  ~ Psalm 71:20-21

"When we lose one blessing, another is often most unexpectedly given in its place." 

— C.S. Lewis

Slow & Steady

Two weeks went fast. It went well but we are very glad it's done. The short of it is that he is now eating thick-dry puree, wet-fork mashed/puree, and an easier food at each meal. The biggest improvement is that he is moving the food around in his mouth and making chewing motions. Yesterday and today (final day) she snuck in some pieces of roll, muffin, and brownie. Teeny bits that were sometimes with the puree and sometimes just plain. For the most part, if he was distracted enough, he did well with it and worked it around and chewed a bit. For me the highlight was today. The therapist put a bite of carrots in his mouth then left to grab something. As soon as she did he worked a carrot bit out of his mouth and grabbed it. I started to tell him not to but he smiled and popped it back in. Then proceeded to shock me by chewing it up with exaggerated gusto! I cheered and egged him on. He was about to take a brownie crumb when she returned. The game of eat while she's gone was over hahaha!!! Stinker!

The Dr saw us Wednesday and explained that with his muscle disorder his chewing muscles are fatiguing fast. So we need to maintain the puree mixes while he builds stamina and strength. After 4 to 6 weeks we can make it more challenging again. So that's the plan for now. We will be doing outpatient feeding therapy there every other week to keep up with it. 

Slow and steady wins the race. Right? I hope so. 

Thanks so much for your prayers through these two weeks. RoBear and I are worn out and ready for a bit of rest, but it went so much better this time!

Second Times A Charm?

We will be heading in for a second round of the AP Feeding Difficulties Center intensive program. When RoBear's GI heard about him eating the few bites of cake, he thought perhaps we need to give it another shot - especially since we've been trying to get into their outpatient program. In order to do the outpatient they want a 2 week reboot. Hopefully after we finish this off we can get into regular therapy.

We start Monday and this time it will be two weeks instead of four. We are very grateful for that. It's also only four days a week instead of five - yay! 

So prayers please for all of us but especially RoBear. Praying big things for him. 

Before he was born I painted this in his room:

Tonight, running through Hobby Lobby I saw the fuller version. 

The second part resonates with me now as much as the first half did when we had him. It's a daily giving over, or should be. I try and do it on my own forgetting that God gave him to us and will carry out what He has begun. He can bring healing if He chooses, He can guide us either way. And as much as God loves my little boy, more than I can imagine, He also loves me. He will not leave us out to dry, hanging in the wind. He will gather us all up in His loving Daddy arms and comfort and love on us - if we let Him.

So, in asking for prayer for the following weeks yes, please pray that Ro starts eating or tasting solids, but please also pray that I can let go of trying to do this in my power and rest in my Daddy's power, love, affection, comfort, and blessings.

Good night :)